Liver Blood: Making a Deep Friendship with Yourself
In 2006, a few students from Ms. Lockwood’s Xavier Highschool class in New York City wrote to Kurt Vonnegut as part of an assignment to invite and persuade their favorite authors to visit their highschool. As the only author to respond, Mr. Vonnegut politely declined their invitation: “I don’t make public appearances anymore because I now resemble nothing so much as an iguana.”
He did make this suggestion to the students: “Practice any art—music, singing, dancing, acting, drawing, painting, sculpting, poetry, fiction, essays, reportage—no matter how well or badly, not to get money and fame, but to experience becoming, to find out what’s inside you, to make your soul grow.” He then gave them the homework assignment to write a 6-line poem, then tear it up and disperse the tiny fragments to different trash receptacles throughout their homes, so that it could never be shown to anyone. The importance of that assignment is the unfolding relationship you make with yourself in the process of writing that poem, not the external validation or praise that comes from having shown it to another person, per Mr. Vonnegut: “You will find that you have already been gloriously rewarded for your poem. You have experienced becoming, learned a lot more about what’s inside you, and you have made your soul grow.”
It’s the end of Summer - the end Fire Element Season, and transitioning into Earth Element Season. While the Fire Element in Chinese Medicine is a time to be active socially and physically, I think it’s also equally important to ask the question: how do we start our own fires that we become more magnetic to ourselves, and therefore to the rest of the world? How do we discover and grow who we are? How do we grow our resilience? Can we value ourselves outside of what we do and what we do for other people?
I have been pondering these questions for awhile; what does deep nourishment and replenishment look like for myself? More importantly, how do I give that to myself? What does regular self-care look like for me? I believe that no matter how much you love your work (and it’s ok if you don’t love your work) work is our interface with the outside world and feeds the ego through external validation that our existence and contribution to the greater world matters; sometimes, but not necessarily, work may also feed the soul – that precious immaterial essence of who we are. When the motivation for what we do is for others to see that action doesn’t feed our souls. There have always been breadcrumb trails of activities that filled me up – collaging, music and song, playing sports (before I cared about being good) movement arts, DIY projects, and yet it’s so hard to make them regular because there is no one that benefits from them, but myself. And alas, I was raised in this modern culture and in Chinese culture that prioritizes importance based on things that are externally visible and externally measurable.
What if who we are inside could be so rich and abundant that we are constantly overflowing in our overabundance, rather than only financing what is externally visible? What if your job was not your life or the primary means of making meaning in your life, but just a part of the rich complexity of who you are? When external validation becomes a lifeline, we are not rooted in who we truly are. If everything we do is for the outside to see, we become hollow and empty inside. In Chinese Medicine, this feeling of inward abundance is Liver blood – when the Liver blood is abundant we feel deeply at ease in our own skin physically and psychologically, we move through the world with ease (our muscles aren’t tight), we are self-assured, our vision is clear metaphorically and eyesight-wise, we can rest deeply, our skin is supple, and we are more resilient to external pathogens - whether to a virus or criticism or judgment from others. What does it feel like to feel filled up and wholly satisfied (by an experience, activity, or life)? When was the last time you felt nourished? What nourishes your life? According to Dr. Randine Lewis in The Spirit of the Blood, “Blood tells us how we feel about our innermost self.”
Consider trying out Mr. Vonnegut’s assignment... Or what can you do for yourself to discover more about who you are or what fills you up? The ability to source soul nourishment is critical to becoming more resilient, more authentic, and learning to trust ourselves. Since moving back to Denver I have yet to come across a martial arts studio that I feel compelled to join - where I usually source my mental and physical wellbeing, as well as that much-needed sense of being capable and good at something. At first I lamented its absence, but it has instead translated into a very personal and very enriching personal movement practice for whom I am its sole beneficiary! I began to realize how much richer my practice has grown since it is just meant to support my growth, evolution, and mento-emotional-physical wellness, and not at all to impress or perform for others.
Some clues for activities include: activities that make you feel timeless or in the flow, be curious about your pace: how slow or fast do you enjoy moving through and taking in the world, and what are activities that put you in touch with your own pace?, engage your senses outside of just vision, stay curious - whether you are good or not doesn’t matter, take yourself less seriously, try something that takes you out of your comfort zone or normal brain patterns, do you have an outlet for self-expression?, take just yourself on an “artist’s date” somewhere that intrigues you, notice what activity allows your diaphragm to totally soften while doing it, be compassionate about the self-discovery process. Or maybe, just removing a witness to an existing activity is the key!
Here is the link to that story about Kurt Vonnegut: https://www.rd.com/article/letter-from-kurt-vonnegut/
In the Spirit of Overflowing Abundance! May we all become more magnetic to ourselves.